So its nothing impressive, and i still have no way to post pictures to show everyone that we now have power back up and running. I'm not sure how it all worked out, and I don't really care, I just rent a room in a house, that's all.
I've been really struggling with a lot of issues, things are just piling up and I'm having a hard time dealing with the depression again. Funny thing is that when I was homeless, on the streets, i had the best insurance ever, and was just starting to get on medications that seemed to help, but I wasn't able to stay on them long enough and couldn't afford to pay for the extra insurance wouldn't cover. So now that I'm back to being employed and with a house, why do I feel less happy and satisfied? Why is the destructive slide that always happens right before I lose a job starting again? And then there's always the what's the point, we all die in the end, overwhelming sense of dread and hopelessness. Or how about the I've spent my entire life working these jobs, and once the meals over, there's nothing left to ever prove what you did was even real. There is nothing tangible. And now I've wasted my life training in the street kitchen for a job i can't stand.
And I'll need at least 2 PhD's to help me unscramble my brain after Nadine leaving me. I thought I had a handle on things til I went and staid with her a couple weeks ago, and now its like a bomb has gone off in my brain, my depression is worse 10 fold. I'm working on getting back with some of my doctors from before, but that's money, which requires a job, which means I need med's, from a doctor, which require money......
oh, and new blog I just started, to see if it helps my mind, http://naedemonstories.blogspot.com, or you can probably just link from here see as how right now I am the sites only guest and visitor, but who cares. I should warn you, its adult, very personal and deals with a lot of insane issues. Feel free to comment, but I won't really check them, cause the only person will tell me herself, if and when she reads them all, trying for 101 stories and letters.
Isn't it a funny system we have set up here in the U.S.? As soon as you start working and making money to help support yourself, you are penalized. I know many people that lack the motivation to get full time jobs because as soon as they start working full time they will make too much money a month to qualify for free medical care, or food stamps, or assistance with housing, and those things can often add up to cost more than the extra income they would make....so what would be the point in working more and getting less? Pretty screwy if you ask me.
ReplyDeleteHang in there brother. There IS light at the end of every tunnel. I am sorry to hear you are feeling so down right now. While I know it does feel hopeless and never ending at times, it isn't. Things do and will get better/easier. You have already accomplished so much in the last year!